3 weeks later...

So, I've been Colorado for nearly three weeks.

I stayed with my brother and his wife and their daughter for the first two weeks, which I loved. It was great to get to spend time with them and feel like I was part of a family. I got to help get their daughter on the bus and help her with homework and stuff. It was easy to "blend" in a bit with them, I felt comfortable there.

So, for the last week I'm staying with my dad and his wife and their son. It hasn't been bad at all, but it's not as comfortable. I haven't spent much time with my dad in the last 15 years or so. Also, their son is kind of a drama-king. He's 14, so it's not totally unheard of, but it's also a bit more than I can handle some days. It's a whole family dynamic which I won't get into here, but suffice it to say that he comes by it honestly via his mother.

It also doesn't help matters that I'm headed back to Seattle soon, to a very uncomfortable situation with no end or resolution in sight. I've exchanged some emails with Jen and had a couple of IM chats, none of which made me feel any better and some of which gave me anxiety attacks.

She says we have "living arrangements" to take care of. This, to me, sounds like "we have to move you out". I'm trying not to be too much of a pessimist about it, but I expect to be told to get all my stuff out when I get back. Ugh. I'm having an anxiety attack just typing about it. The job-market SUCKS, studio apartments (even rooms for rent) are pricey and I have a bank balance in the negative numbers. She may cut me a new check ('cos I never deposited the other one), but that won't magically get me a job or anything.

Speaking of jobs. I had one really good interview, but didn't get the job. A job which wouldn't have paid a living wage and wasn't even full-time. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm truly hating the idea of going back to Seattle, but I can't stay here either. Jobs are no better in Colorado than in Washington.

My therapist asked me if I still wanted to reconcile with Jen. I told her that I didn't know anymore. She said that's totally normal when a person feels hurt. It throws everything into question about a relationship. This didn't make me feel much better, apart from being told that it's normal to feel this way.

Guess we'll see what happens, eh? I have a week until my next appointment with my therapist. Jen's been to see her Microsoft therapist several times in the time I've seen my therapist twice. I'm sure she feels like I'm dragging my feet (psychologically speaking). Well, I'm not sure, but I suspect it. The pessimist in me wonders if the relative infrequency of my appointments will be used against me as a sign that I'm not committed to the process or something. What a dick I am!

Ugh.