It's (not) over 9,000!

So, it's over. The divorce is final. I was there at the final moment, to put it to rest personally. She didn't want me there, I think; it was her show, after all. I found it remarkable that I was silently bawling in front of the judge and Jen seemed frankly happy and buoyant! Hooray! What a cunt.

Have I mentioned that she has a personality disorder? She does. Narcissism that borders on being a sociopath, sometimes. She will be the very last person on Earth to admit it or even acknowledge that there might be something amiss with herself. Makes me wonder what the hell she talks about with her therapist. I know she was working on her "daddy issues", but really that just goes along with making everything about her. When I was super depressed, not bathing regularly, not brushing my teeth regularly, just not looking after myself ("why bother?" says depression), she actually said that I was trying to push her away and make her not find me attractive anymore. Thank you for making my depression all about YOU. Furthermore, nothing could have been further from the truth. I was DESPERATE for her acceptance, her affection, her attention. ANYTHING would have been better than living with a person who was so completely emotionally detached. I was still completely in love with her, but I was panicking at the growing emotional distance she was putting between us.

My reaction? To clam up, not say what was bothering me, don't make waves. Admittedly, it was a stupid tactic, but that was the head-space I was in at the time. "Just don't make things worse if you can help it." That, of course, made things worse. Lack of communication on my part (both our parts, really) and utter lack of understanding (and interest) in what I was going through. It's hard to deal a person going through a depressive episode, but it's got to be totally impossible for a narcissist. A person who only thinks about how things affect or benefit themselves is altogether unable to begin to sympathize or empathize with depression. When we went to see my therapist (at my therapist's request, she wanted to meet Jen), Jen's question to her was, "If he gets depressed, what do I do?" Wow. Like there was a magic charm that would fix me so that she wouldn't have to deal with it.

She did things like this often and not just to me, either. The way she dealt with people was baffling to me. She was your implacable ally until she didn't need you anymore. After that, it was like you didn't exist. She was done with you. Family, friends, co-workers, husband; these were all just factors in her ongoing cost/benefit analysis. You aren't a person to her, you are a thing that might benefit her for some reason; a thing that might gratify some desire temporarily. All of these insights came well after the fact, of course. At the time, I had pangs of uncertainty about her when she did things like this, but I was in love with her, I let them slide.

It may be pointed out that all people are like this to one extent or another. That might be true. But with Jen, it was definitely true; she made a science of it.

"Bob" help the next person she ends up dating. He's in for a rude surprise somewhere along the way.