What the hell has happened?

I'm staying at my sister's place. It's small. She and my brother-in-law have been very gracious and generous to let me stay here this long, but I know they'd like me to move along.

Jobs are a pain in the ass. To get, I mean. I've had one interview for a custodial job which I was mislead to think was full time; turns out that it's "contingent", more or less on-call, but you have to call them everyday to find out if there's work. Ugh.

I have an interview at a bookstore soon; that job will only pay $8.75 per hour, but I'm betting that the atmosphere of the place will be better than sweatin' it in the middle of the night in an office building (when there's work).

I've been REALLY damn depressed for the last three or four days. I don't know exactly what's brought it on, but it's awful. I know that it's particularly awful because I've been planning my own death. I know, I know... Nobody wants to read that. Even I shudder to admit it. But things are rough.

I think I'd been circling this particular dip for a little while, but what put me over the edge was having fun. I went to Honk! and had a great time. I even talked to a couple cute girls and enjoyed that as well. Then, on the way to where ever it was I was going next, I actually felt my spirits drop through the floor. It was bad. I managed to find a sunny place to sit and tried to give it room, tried to give it space.

Later, I went to Bikes Are Beautiful and, in spite of my foul mood, managed to have a good time and talk to a couple pretty ladies. Again, on the way home, I felt my spirits take a dive. It was all I could do to get back to my sister's place and go to bed without flipping out.

Next day, I made myself ride Bike Sabbath and it was great. My round trip was 36 miles and we did a LOT of hill climbing. I had a lot of fun and got some exercise. Then, on the way home, down again into the abyss. WTF? Why am I not allowed to enjoy anything?

The BIG dip happened Tuesday. Jen asked me to bring my tax forms over so she could do taxes. I was had a minor panic attack on the way over, which was lovely. When I got there, she was already gone to her Ultimate Frisbee practice; but just being in the condo again made me burst out crying. I think I won't really start getting over it until the divorce is final. That said, I still don't want to get a divorce, I so want to pull this out of the fire. I miss her so much.

After the condo, I went to .83 and was in such a foul mood that I made an ass of myself. I was in no mood to climb hills and was vociferous in my displeasure with it. Frankly, I rather doubt anybody but me really noticed, but I felt terrible for being so bellicose. I cut out early from the ride and came back to my sister's place, still really upset.

Today, I totally lost it. Bawling, hysterical. I talked to my mom, which helped somewhat, but I'm still touch-and-go.

So, prolonged unemployment, a pending divorce and not having a place to really feel "safe" (as in "my own place") all add up to awful emotional upheaval. Ugh. I don't know what else to say about this.